Imposter Syndrome and I are very well acquainted. In fact, you could say we have been friends forever. I can’t remember a time it wasn’t at my side, questioning my every move and every decision. It always checked in with me in my two-decade long publishing career, and stayed steadfastly through the time I decided to throw it all in to become a web designer.
For a long time, though, I thought I was the only one. I had no idea that women, and particularly women of colour, are prone to imposter syndrome. So when I heard about Valerie Young’s book, The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, I had to read it.
In fact, my first impression was disbelief at the title. Are confident, intelligent, successful women plagued by imposter syndrome too? Turns out, they are.
If you’re looking for the TL;DR version of this book review, here it is: The most affirming aspect of The Secret Thoughts… is that it validates your feelings. It shows you it’s not all in your head. Rather, it’s a systemic problem that stems from society’s inability to see women as complete human beings. This, the author asserts, is where our self-limiting thoughts arise from and why we are particularly vulnerable to imposter syndrome.
(Aside: How useful is the acceptance of the term “imposter syndrome” anyway? It isn’t a clinically diagnosed condition, but a concept coined in the 1970s to explain the phenomenon where successful people, with ample evidence of their accomplishments, doubted their abilities and harboured fears of being exposed as frauds. What this understanding did not account for were the effects of systemic racism, classism, xenophobia, and other biases.)
But let’s stay with the gender aspect for the moment. Women are held up to a higher standard, and made to feel that their failures or limitations represent all women everywhere. But neither are women welcomed with open arms in public spheres of power and authority, especially at the highest levels. In fact, these are places they are most apt to feel incompetent and illegitimate, the book tells us.
This is not helped by disproportionately fewer women in senior positions across the board. According to Lean In’s 2023 Women in the Workplace study:
For every 100 men promoted from entry-level to manager, 87 women are promoted. And this gap is trending the wrong way for women of color: this year, 73 women of color were promoted to manager for every 100 men, down from 82 women of color last year. As a result of this “broken rung,” women fall behind and can never catch up with men.
Even though there are proportionately more women in creative fields, there is a significant wage gap. Young says: “The very nature of creative work makes those who do it vulnerable to feeling inadequate, especially if you are not formally trained.” These fields are also often dubbed “soft” or “unimportant”.
Women also tend to downplay their success, Young says, with excuses like: it was luck; the timing was right; I had connections; or it’s because of my personality. As a result, they tend to bend over backwards to strive for perfectionism, not take risks that might open them up for scrutiny.
Later in the book, Young also explains how learned gender roles play a part in why many more women are plagued with feeling like imposters than men. Little girls are brought up to care about other people’s feelings above everything else, including their own. No wonder when they get older, they feel too much success will make them less likeable, which will lead to isolation and loss of connection. This makes them hold back, almost fearing success.
Interestingly, women and men also usually ascribe blame in different ways. While women blame failure on a lack of ability, men do the opposite. They credit themselves for accomplishments and point to outside reasons for failure.
Women who feel like imposters in their roles tend to display some “coping mechanisms”, the author says. Such as holding back in order to play it safe, or be charming because they feel the need to be more likeable. They also tend to work harder as they feel they have more to prove, maintain a low or ever-changing profile, or even self-sabotage. These keep them “safe” from feeling like a fool or a fraud.
Young suggests that the way out is to “fake it till you make it”—a tactic borrowed from the playbook of men. If women start acting as capable as they are, especially when mired in self-doubt, the ability to feel less like an imposter will follow on its own.
She invites women to own their success by recognizing their skills, hard work and competence, and realizing that these external factors play a role in everyone’s success.
The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women leaves you with a lot of questions to reflect on. This, perhaps, is its greatest strength. Whether that self-reflection can lead to making you feel less like an imposter, though, is up for debate.
Reading this book reminded me of the many, many wonderful, successful women that I know, and the things they say about their work and themselves. That feeling of being exhausted while still feeling you aren’t doing enough was so familiar—because, I realized, the book was also talking about me.
Young tells you: “If you feel intimidated or out of your league in your job, stop assuming it’s because you’re not smart enough or sophisticated enough, and recognize the ways in which your organizational culture may be contributing to your impostor feelings.”
I would like to take this quote, frame it, and mount it over my desk.